Age Kicks
RedMatchday’s English correspondent gives us his hopes for 2013 …….
It’s that time of year again when we look ahead to just what the new year is going to bring us all. In the glorious spirit of cynicism which such a time inevitably breeds, here are a few thoughts on things I’d like to see change within football and sport in general during the coming 12 months. Not a prayer of them happening, but remember folks, it’s always the hope that kills you…
An immediate end to football transfers going ahead for “an undisclosed fee”. It’s our money you’re spending you muppets, we want to know how much of it is going on that clodhopping centre-forward that was going to save our season but who will actually get us relegated.
Robbie Savage to go back to celebrity dancing. Coal mining. Hair dressing. Anything at all, just to stop him giving his cretinous opinions on football. #rentagob
All footballers to stop treating the word “banter” as a verb. Listen, he did not “banter” you. There is no such activity. I know trying to explain what a verb is to a footballer is going to be tricky, but just stop it. Now.
Last man. No such rule exists. It’s about denying a clear goalscoring opportunity, not a rerun of “Last of the Mohicans”. Get it right commentators everywhere.
Tony Pulis to be force fed an endless diet of DVDs of Brazil from 1970 and the current Spain and Barcelona teams while somebody bellows in his ear, “That’s football!” It’ll probably make no difference, but you can only try…
Surgeons to operate to give Luis Suarez a new centre of gravity. The current one clearly isn’t working.
Joseph Barton’s credentials as a “renaissance man” to be tested to the full by getting him to replace Patrick Moore as host of “The Sky At Night”.
Referees. If somebody kicks the ball away, you either book them every time, or not all. You don’t dish a card out to every third offence.
Time wasting. If it’s done by a team that is winning / drawing, then add the same amount of time back on at the end if the game. If, however, they concede a goal and suddenly want to hurry up, deduct the same amount of time at the end of the game #justice
Roy Hodgson to be able to select an England squad that doesn’t have us all scurrying to Wikipedia to find out just who half of these unknowns are. And Roy, please don’t say England can win the World Cup in 2014. I know you feel that you ought to as the England manager, but you’re fooling nobody I’m afraid.
On a similar subject, Queens Park Rangers to get relegated by the end of February so that we can a) finally dispel the myth that Arry is a genius and b) give Arry enough time to move to Reading in an effort to save them and prove the myth that he is a genius.
The penny to finally drop among footballers that twitter does them more harm than good. We don’t care how often you go to Nandos, we don’t care what watch you’re buying, we don’t even care that you are tweeting while driving, thought the Police might. We only care when you say something genuinely stupid when drunk – you know, the things you shouldn’t be saying? Twitter spells trouble – and the way many footballers spell, that might be literally as well as metaphorically true.
With the Olympics a thing of the past and with white elephant building projects littering south London, perhaps we can start using lottery funding on some genuinely good causes – including sporting ones that preserve our heritage – and not just on funding sportsmen and women to get knighthoods and honours, thereby briefly raising the nation’s mood so that is forgets that we are actually currently up a certain creek and without a boat, never mind a paddle.
Football to remember it is only a game, not a cure for cancer #thatwonthappen
Football to recall that is has a rich heritage born out of working communities and is not a cash cow for those who already have too much money #norwillthat
May you all have a happy, healthy and serene new year.
